Making a Molehill Out of a Mountain: How to Handle Temper Tantrums

We have all been there… minding our own business, calmly grocery shopping, when out of nowhere the sweet toddler you have strapped into your cart becomes a raging howler monkey. Yelling, kicking, and trying to slip their way through the restraints, they seem intent on ruining the day for everyone in that store, most notably yours. You feel your cheeks heat up, and you would rather run in the opposite direction than deal with the meltdown taking place in front of you. Sound familiar?

Tantrums happen when children have an unplanned outburst of anger and/or frustration, and are often linked to being uncomfortable (tired, hungry, etc) in some way. Toddlers tend to react very strongly to even the mildest situation, because they lack the verbal ability to communicate what they want, need, or think. If you were unable to communicate your needs, you, too, might think that thrashing around on the floor sounded like a good idea! 

In older children, ages 3 and 4, tantrums stem from a power struggle and often revolve around something they didn’t want to do, or an unfulfilled request. They test boundaries by displaying their worst behavior to see how you might react.

As bad as they may seem, tantrums are a normal part of development between the ages of 1 and 4, and generally don’t require a doctor’s attention. All you need are a few helpful tips to make tantrums a little less painful…for both of you!

Fending Off a Tantrum With a Little Foreshadowing

• Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail. If it is naptime and your toddler is rubbing their eyes, now might not be the time to make that “quick” trip to the store. Plan outings accordingly and bring some toys, books, and snacks with you to help fill in any gaps.
• Advance Warning. A surprised toddler is an unhappy toddler. If you are on a play date, or are at the park be sure to give your toddler ample notice before packing up and leaving. Statements like, “you can slide one more time before we leave” are easy for your toddler to understand and help manage expectations.
• Tasks can be taxing. Tying their shoes or putting on their jacket can be frustrating to a toddler. Is there a particular task that seems to cause meltdowns? Offering to help them figure it out can give them a sense of accomplishment rather than fueling their frustration.  

It’s Happening

Let’s say that you’ve tried helping, and you’ve planned your outing around their nap schedule. Yet, there they are, bawling and red-faced. Now what?

• Safety First. Make sure they don’t have access to any dangerous objects or are easily able to put themselves in harm’s way.
• What’s That?! If you see the steam start to leak out your toddler’s ears, you may be able to stop that tantrum dead in its tracks. Find something else for them to focus on, such as another activity.
• Ignorance is Bliss. If you are in a safe space, you can elect to simply walk away from their behavior without engaging. When your child realizes they aren’t getting a response, it is likely the behavior will stop.
• Keep calm and… Being able to control your emotions is good role modeling for your toddler. By staying as neutral as possible you send the message that their behavior is not desirable.
• A Little Privacy Please. Try to move to a more secluded place if a tantrum erupts in public. And yes, picking them up and carrying them is acceptable! A restroom, car, or a private space in a home are all good places to wait it out.
• Stay Strong. Negotiating is never a good idea in this situation, because it only reinforces negative behavior. If you give in once, you set the stage for other incidents. The tantrums are temporary, but habits are much harder to break.

In the Aftermath of Tantrums

Perhaps the clouds have rolled by, and what’s left is your toddler’s tear-stained face, and some raw nerves on your part. Where do you go from here?

• A Job Well Done. Offer words of praise when your toddler has calmed down. Make statements specific. “You did a good job when you used your words” or “I am glad that you decided to get up off the floor” are phrases that could invite better behavior.
• Label the Emotion. Talk about what your toddler may be feeling in terms they understand. Use statements like “I can see that you were sad, you were crying.” This helps them identify their feelings, so perhaps they can articulate them better next time. Any deeper discussions with an older child can come later when cooler heads prevail.
• It’s Not Personal…It’s Child Development. Your child does not “hate” you or truly feel any of the harsh statements they may have used mid-meltdown. It’s just an expression of frustration. They will save their true feelings for their teenage years!

While they may be part of healthy child development, tantrums are not fun, for you or your toddler. But with a little patience, and a few tips in your back pocket, you can weather whatever storms they stir up!